I am not perfect. There was only one perfect being in the world and he lived and died over 2,000 years ago. I'm getting off my religious soap box for those of you who are against religion or don't believe which is fine. I respect your decisions.
Anyways, a few weeks ago I made two video blogs that luckily never uploaded to YouTube about my frustrations with the costuming world, being teased and bullied. I realize something now, I'm still bullied and teased, nothing is going to change that. The costuming world has changed from where it was a decade ago, I can't change it, nor do I have the power to change it.
I can try and change who I am, which I have done with the lapband surgery and dropped over 120 pounds. I can try new costumes which I did with Luke and Padme this year, though I'm unsure about both. I can try to change my emotions and my social awkwardness, it can't change over night but I'm working on it.
Some people wonder why I am so sensitive to things that normally don't bother other people. I was not sheltered growing up, my parents who I love dearly let me fight my own battles though when the teasing got to much, dad intervened a few times but that was it. Other than that I developed into the emotional basketcase that I am today. Emotional basketcase, that sounds harsh doesn't it? Think about it, this week I took a hiatus from costuming and yeah I mentioned that in the secret blog entry on why I took it. I can't control my emotions very well or hide them though I try with the teachers trick that I use but it's difficult. I'm sensitive, very sensitive because I was always teased and builled growing up.
Rather than go into a 300 word tyrannical rant I will save you the trouble and keep this short.
I am me.
There is no one on Earth that will change that.
I am a big person.
I have a big heart.
I am emotional wreck at times.
I give till I can't give anymore.
I've faced trials at work, trials in life that people would consider me crazy for.
If you can deal with this then you are my friend.
If you can't tell me and we'll part on good terms no questions asked.
Any questions? Good.
Now, because I give so much I've had that little voice in the back of my head saying "take something for you...do something for you what are you waiting for?" Uhh could it be because my conscious says it's wrong? Take for instance on Etsy.com there is an X3 Dark Phoenix jacket for sale that is my size and I want to do that costume. Do you think I'll buy it? Probably not. Why? My conscious says you can't take things for you, it'll be selfish. I just purchased two Ipads do you think that those Ipads are for me? Nope, they are for my classroom. Buying one or a new laptop for me and just for me is something I consider to be selfish even if I do need it for work and for school. What about X-Box games? I only have 8 and one that I play whenever I get the chance. Why don't I play X-Box 24/7, because of the demands of the job. If I give up one hour for X-Box or TV, then I'm giving up one hour for Grad School or Grading Papers. That's being selfish. What about Cons or Costuming? (Sore Subject but I'll answer). Yes I can take time for me to do them but afterwards I feel guilty because I could've done some extra school work. Spring Break, what about a trip to Las Vegas or back to Michigan to visit friends and family, maybe even Disney World. Same thing. Another lightsaber from Ultrasabers? I'd feel guilty because although I have the funds for it, thats taking away from something else. It even took some hard convincing on the part of my Teacher Assistant to take a day off a few weeks ago to go see my surgeon and yet I feel guilty over it because my kids were without me for a day.
Get my drift? I know that if I don't slow down and take time for me I'll go crazy (been there a long time), snap (yeah go there in the hidden blog if I chose to give you the link), end up in the hospital, or six feet under because of trip to the hospital. Still, I feel that if I stop giving or if I take something for me I'm being selfish.
I am who I am. Nothing is going to change that. I am geek, I used to like costuming not sure that I do anymore, I am a loner (not sure if that's going to change anytime soon). I can only do so much before I fall apart and if I take time for me I feel that I'm being selfish.
This is who I am. Nothing More. Nothing Less.
