I am not a Hero of Cosplay..

This blog comes quickly on the heels of whether or not I should have submitted Luke to the Rebel Legion for judging.  Although through hesitation and several tries of uploading, I had a bit of help submitting him but now he's in to be judged.  We will see if he is approved or not and if he isn't...that's ok.

So why this blog?  I've had a few people add me on Facebook complimenting me on how well my costumes look and that I'm an inspiration to them.  I've never made any of my costumes, I can't even sew even though I have my aunt's machine and plan on getting it tuned so that way I can take lessons at JoAnn's I can't sew.  Also, a little known fact about me is that I've never been able to cut a straight line even in Grade School and as a Second Grade teacher, at least I can color inside the lines.   Yes, I like going to events and I like being in costume whether it's the guard, Padme, or Luke though Luke I'm shaky on.

At NC Comic Con this past weekend I met a lot of cosplayers/costumers who said I looked good in Luke although I mainly got pictures with my group which was fine.  In most pictures, I looked unhappy and it wasn't because of the costume, it's because of how I perceived myself in the costume.  Meaning, if the costume police showed up I'd be guilty of cosplaying as a guy while being in reality a girl.  Yet, I've had a few of those people through Twitter and Facebook tell me that I am an inspiration for them because I dare to cross gender lines to look like a character that I've loved since a little girl.  Furthermore, other geeks have told me that I am an inspiration  for them because I underwent life changing surgery back in 2011 to get healthy and reduce my weight and in the end I've dropped over 160 pounds and I'm still slowly dropping that weight off and now doing costumes that I believe fit me such as Padme' and Luke.  Others, have told me that I am an inspiration because I am coming out of a shell that I've remained hidden in for so long which is the guard and I've allowed myself to open up the world, while being extremely introverted.   Finally, a lot of people have told me I have one of the biggest and giving hearts out there and if people needed something I'd do it for them.  In a heartbeat, I would and yeah I have my big heart because that's that the type of person I am.  I give to the community, I work hard as a teacher, I work hard as a fan and though I'm tired most nights, I love what I do.   I give and give and give, and I'm afraid to take because part of me feels that it's wrong.  I mean when I go to Cons I don't expect to get in for free, I don't expect to get free admission to events, I'd rather pay the price of admission to know that it goes to the organization that's sponsoring the event.  I'd love to see any money that people give to us go to Make a Wish, Salvation Army or whoever to give those who are less fortunate a chance.  I'd volunteer to help out at cons if people needed it.   When I finish writing my book if I ever get to it with the demands of work, though I would like a profit, I'd rather see the first 100 sales of the book go to charity because that's who I am.  I GIVE.  I never take and if I do take I feel extremely guilty....

Anyways....

I appreciate all the kind comments guys but really I'm not a Hero of Cosplay, I don't do it to get the"me, me, me" appreciation.  I do it because I'm a fan and yeah I may seem brave on the outside but I'm really scared and timid on the inside.  My big heart has been stomped on more than once, I've been told that girls shouldn't do guys, and yeah I'm afraid of opening that big heart of mine to someone in my life, a guy and though there are some that are interested, I don't know how to approach them (saved for another blog).  The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not a Hero of Cosplay, I do it because I'm a fan.  I love my characters, I can always fall back on the guard to hide, Padme' to be feminine, and Luke (pending on his approval) to be my imaginary friend.  I don't enter in costume contests because it's not fair to others and I'm really self-conscious about opening my heart to costume judges, some who have worked on films. The last costume contest, I entered, I entered as my guard or rather was forced into it as my guard and won.  I shouldn't have entered because I didn't make the costume and it wasn't fair to the ones who make their own costumes.  Again, that's my giving heart, even if I made the costume, I wouldn't do it because I'm in the RL as Padme and the 501st as the guard.  It's not that I'm saying I'm a professional cosplayer/costumer it's because I believe people deserve to be recognized for their own work.  It boils down to something similar plagiarism and with my Second Masters starting tomorrow, I feel that if I entered the other costumes, I'm no better than the ones who plagarized their work to get a good grade on a paper.  So therefore, I won't enter my paper into a costumer and I will not acknowledge myself as a Hero of Cosplay because that's not the type of person I am.

Furthermore, people have said I should go on shows like "King of the Geeks/Nerds" or reality TV geek shows.  Seriously, with my shyness how long do you think I'd last?  Do you think America wants to see a person like me on the TV?  With the editing, they'd know the fake Jane, not the real Jane.  The one with the big heart, the one who has confidence issues, who cares more about other people than herself, would be erased; TV would show a snotty, bratty, Jane and that is not me and that definitely is not a Hero of Cosplay, which I am not.

Overcoming Stigmas

Hello Blog,

It's been a long time since I've done a written blog and a lot has happened since I last did my written blog.  First and foremost, I took a big step into a much larger costuming world.  I went down to DragonCon after LibrariCon this year and had a blast.  I wore Luke and Padme, mainly and Sunday morning I wore my custom companion from Doctor Who that I've roleplayed online for a few years now.  I had a blast and for me one day is just fine though I keep dreaming about going back someday.  I'm not sure if it's going to be 2014 or 2015 but we'll see.  I was overwhelmed at DragonCon and yeah I saw a lot of things and people, different costumes and hung out with familiar faces.  The bad thing is that at the time Heroes of Cosplay was going on at the time or airing at the time and coming across from the Marriot to the Hilton, I did see YaYa Han, one of the elite cosplayers going to and from. I wanted to chew her out because it's her attitude and yes I know some of that was editing that makes costumers like me want to leave all together and yeah I will admit over the past few months I've been down and out feeling like I should leave costuming all together because I'm not good enough.  

I've also done a few other events such as Crystal Coast Con and a few symphony events as the guard since it's been requested.  I also did Star Wars Reads Day and though I had fun at all, I still don't feel comfortable in my shell as Luke or Padme' because of my body type and shape.  I guess I've never felt the same about Luke since one other Luke in the legion said I shouldn't do him because I'm a girl and for girls he should be a con only costume.  You can really tell I'm not comfortable in Luke because I have a lot of DERP photos of me with the lightsaber.  Maybe one day I'll feel confident enough not to do the DERP photos.

*sighs*  Guess it's back to the lonely girl on the swing because I can't play with the cool kids.  Luke was recently redone because of the weight loss and a few other issues with him and now I've gotten some great pictures in Luke 2.0 from today's NC Comic Con but still ever since I was told that I shouldn't do Luke I'm very hesitant to submit mine to the Rebel Legion for approval.  The bad thing is that if I never submit then he is a Comic Con only costume and I can't hang with my RL friends or 501st friends officially.  Also, I'm proving the skeptics right that girls can't cosplay guys because of the fact they are girls.  People say I hide my body well under Luke but it's the doubting and the issues that I have with myself that prevent me from submitting him.   

Oh well.....I'll brood on this for a few days and chew it over before I submit.